Am I My Own Enemy?

As I sit here at my computer, staring at the digital clock and the minutes passing by, I slowly look into my future and the requirement s that have already been instated regarding my musical education. In the past, I started out quite rocky with my art. Doing only the minimum to get by was my philosophy on life during my first semester. In turn, I suffered greatly do to the lack of respect I gave to my art and to the music I was learning— sorry Mozart. However, slowly but surely, things started to get better. I found out quickly that priority is a must in the world of academia. Setting goals in practicing is a great method to succeeding and something we all need to work on.

In all honesty, and at the risk of someone exposing myself, I have always been one that runs when faced with a complete challenge or a flat-out “there-is-no-way-I-can-do-this” assignment.

So many times I have turned the other way on a piece of music because it did not interest me— which, in all honesty, I say when I feel that I cannot do such a piece. One of my professor’s most used phrase is “I would not assign it if I did not think you were ready for it.” Great, my professor thinks I am ready for it, but do I think I am ready for it? Or, am I just ready to pack my bags and run because the pressure is on?

Yet, my mind arrives here, at the point of my discussion, the conundrum of my late night thoughts, what am I ready to do? I understand to well that it would be more politic for one to agonize over learning some awkward and possibly unrewarding new work, which might never get another performance – or at least see to it that it does not – just to establish oneself on the roller coaster of solo performers and professionalism. Yet, even in knowing that, I still want to run. So, I ask myself, why do you want to run? It is not that I am afraid to embrace a challenge; it is, rather, that I am worried of facing and inevitable defeat.

I look into the future and tell myself there is no way I am capable of memorizing two pieces and performing them in one semester, 5 months, 150 days, 3,600 hours, 216,000 minutes – it is not possible! But why is it not possible? It is because I will see to it that I do not succeed? Is it that I just do not want to do the work? Or, is it that I am just afraid of pushing myself…moving on to a different time-slot in my life. Am I afraid to push myself because I was always minimalist? Am I….. Am I… Am I afraid of change? Am I my own Enemy?